In Praise of Smaller Homes

Early in our marriage, my husband and I were dirt poor, and I’m happy to say that now we aren’t. When our circumstances changed seemingly overnight with a new job for my husband, I vowed to myself that I would always be satisfied with what we had and not strive for the ever elusive “more”. I had seen firsthand how well-off people could still perpetually want “just a bit” more than they had. The pull of more can be hard to detach from and recently I was reminded that sometimes smaller and simpler can definitely be better.

I have always felt that our house was made perfectly for our family (despite the fact that it was built a few decades before either my husband or me were born). When I was house-hunting, I wanted a house with lots of bedrooms and functional spaces. With five bedrooms and well thought-out shelving in several spaces throughout the house, my priorities were met. But, among the first-world problems that I have to deal with in my home, is the fact that that I don’t have a family room in addition to a living room. We have just the one living space, so if the kids have made a mess in it and then someone knocks on the door, our guest gets treated  to our very “lived-in traditional” decor.  So, wouldn’t it be nice if we had a front room that we didn’t use much and always stayed tidy for guests?

Oh, and there’s no master en-suite in this house. Can’t forget that. It has two full bathrooms: one upstairs and one on the main floor. Yes, the bathroom on our main floor is really stellar and, with its dual sinks, glass shower enclosure, and plenty of storage, it was a huge selling point. The bathroom upstairs, (the one near all the bedrooms) however, has just a little storage and one sink. Because of this, my husband and I keep all our bathroom items in the main floor bathroom and shower there typically, rather than in the bathroom that is upstairs nearer our bedroom. So, you know, sometimes I think an en-suite would be nice.

In November, however, we got some new flooring installed in our main floor. With the installation, staining, and drying that had to happen, our family couldn’t even walk on the floor for a few days and so we stayed at an AirBnb in our area during that time. The house had five bedrooms with one bedroom set up like an office, just like my house, which was important since my husband works from home and is in the office eight hours a day.  The AirBnb house, however, had a nice white and beautiful living room (which I vowed I would not let the kids even look at for fear their glance would stain the host’s beautiful white furniture), and an additional family room downstairs, which would be a perfectly acceptable place for the children to hang out. It also had a master bedroom with an attached bathroom.

New flooring in my living room! No more “white” carpet full of stains.

When we arrived, seeing the modern layout, the gleaming white spaces, the sprawling square footage, I thought, “I can see myself living here.” Just a few days later, however, I began to appreciate my house more and more. It ended up that sprawling spaces and dual everything wasn’t everything I thought it would be. Firstly, because AirBnb house had a master en-suite in addition to another first floor bath, I knew there was no reason for anyone to enter the master bath. So we ended up being much less concerned about keeping it tidy. Rather than putting our toiletries, hair dryer, and other items in the drawers and off the counter when not in use like we do at home, we kept all our stuff on the counter. So every morning and every night I was treated to a cluttery bathroom.

The same thing happened with the family room. There was no need for, say, my daughter’s math tutor to see the family room downstairs so that didn’t really need to be tidied up too much. In the end what happened was that the spaces that we used and inhabited most frequently were messy and often cluttered with our stuff. In contrast, in my own home with just one living room, and “my” bathroom being the main floor bathroom, we continually tidy to keep those rooms looking pretty presentable. The living room and the main floor bathroom are never more than a five minute tidy away from looking clean and put-together. Therefore, it ends up happening that the spaces that I myself inhabit most frequently — the space I go to when I first wake up, the last space I go before bed,  and the space that my family just hangs out in — is typically fairly clean and put together. And all this means that I am calmer and happier in these spaces than if these spaces were always messy.

It’s like when we moved into our house about five years ago. I was looking forward to finally having a school room for all our homeschooling stuff. Finally, I thought, I wouldn’t have to spend half my day cleaning up the dining room table: eat a meal, clean the table, do some school work, clear the table, eat again, clean the table, do more school work, clean the table, and on and on. In our new house I would have a space designated for school projects and we could spread out and if the school stuff stayed out, it was fine. What ended up happening, however, was that with the art projects and other random stuff spread across the school room in varying stages of completeness, we rarely used the school room. It was always too messy. So we ended up using the dining room table for school stuff anyway, and every so often I would tackle what would be the monumental task of cleaning the school room. So recently, we got rid of the school room and turned it into the shared bedroom of my oldest two girls, and our designated school space is, once again, the dining room table.

Ironically, the ample square footage of AirBnb house has helped me appreciate the fact that I don’t have the “luxury” of extra living spaces that can stay messy. It means we frequently tidy and the rooms don’t get so messy that they become overwhelming to clean. I’m definitely happier when my private spaces (that a guest might also use and see) are clean and organized. I know when my own spaces are generally well-kept, I feel happier and calmer, and if an unexpected guest gets treated once in awhile to the lived-in look, well, a little humility and keepin’ it real probably does me good. Cheers to smaller, more manageable homes!

New Year, New Goals

I typically don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, or if I do, I make them at the beginning of the Liturgical Year starting with Advent. The end of 2019 was full of letting go, though—lots of it—so the beginning of 2020 seemed a natural time to think about some goals for myself moving forward.

I do have a couple rules about resolutions, though:

  1. They can’t be  based in guilt! That is, they need to be things that I want to do but just haven’t made the time for or sat down to figure out exactly how I will fit those things into my life. So if I’m thinking I should do it, but I really don’t want to, I know I’m not going to end up sticking with it.
  2. My goals should be achievable. I can’t overwhelm myself with trying to make big changes or trying to accomplish too much. I start very small. I think this mentality has helped me make a lot of lasting changes. As an example, some years ago I didn’t give myself the goal of completely overhauling EVERYTHING we ate and how we prepared it. My goal was to simply learn to make bone broth, and that was it. Once I had that down and that one routine was incorporated into our lives, then I learned how to make sauerkraut. Now, years later, my family has come so far in our food journey, and my husband and I make many things ourselves from scratch, but it didn’t happen overnight. It was the accumulation of lots of little steps, as we just incorporated the next right thing when the time felt right. I think if my goal had been huge, I would have stopped before I even got going.

With those rules in place, these are the goals that I’ve been working on for these first few weeks of 2020:

  1. Exercise. I know, I know. It’s cliche to have this goal for the New Year, but this is something that I need to do for myself. I have a bum knee, and when my legs aren’t toned, my knee really feels it. When I am fit, my knee gives me no problems. And let’s face it, we mothers often are so busy taking care of others that we put ourselves last. But, although our diet is really excellent, my exercise level is not. I follow a couple fitness people on Instagram and they get up at, like, 5:00 am every morning to exercise vigorously. This concept of getting out of bed to exercise makes every fiber of my body scream out in protest. I like to start my days slowly and quietly. I wake up, make my coffee, meditate for 30 minutes, and then peacefully begin my day. So with the idea of making a small do-able change, I am using an exercise app to exercise 10 minutes every evening. Sure it’s small, but I’m already noticing improvements, and it’s something I can do right now that is not overwhelming. Also importantly, if I miss a day, no guilt! If I exercise five days a week, or three, or even one, that is all better than exercising no days a week which is what I was doing before, right? So I celebrate progress, not beat myself up for not attaining perfection.
  2. Blog more. I set the goal of blogging every week (which I’ve already broken), but even if some weeks it doesn’t happen, I think overall, writing regularly will be a good thing. Writing is what I love doing, and I want to develop and keep at my craft.

    My Sourdough Starter, affectionately named Bubbles
  3. Learn to make sourdough bread. This is one of those things that I’ve been wanting to learn how to do for years now but have never gotten around to actually doing it. But then I came across the Sourdough Schoolhouse. I took advantage of a sale and the fact that a class was starting in early January to jump in. So far I’ve made my own Sourdough starter from scratch, and I’m planning on making my first sourdough bread this week. One thing allowing me time to bake is the fact that my work-from-home husband did almost all the cooking over Christmas vacation. In doing this, he discovered that he really loves to cook (and he cooks better than I do). So he decided to rearrange his work schedule to be able to cook dinner every night. Now, he goes to work an hour earlier in the morning (at 9:30 am) so that he can take that hour break around dinnertime to cook. When he decided to do this, I was like, “FAR BE IT FROM ME to discourage my husband in pursuing his hobbies!” I mean, of course, whatever goals and healthy leisure activities he has for himself, I want to support him in those, right?! And this leads me to goal four.

    Chris cooking dinner
  4. Celebrate and observe more feasts. I follow lots of Catholic accounts on Instagram and so many beautiful moms are really superb at living the liturgical year with their families. For each feast day they make special desserts or have special activities they do as a family, and watching them has been very inspiring to me, but I always felt too busy to plan and implement this. Or maybe I’d plan it, but when the feast day came around, I’d get too overwhelmed to actually do anything about it. Now, however, with my husband taking over the chore of dinner  that I am supporting my husband in his cooking hobby, I’ve decided to make dessert every day. Most days it’s something simple, like sauteed apples topped with a dollop of cultured cream, or a simple pudding. I don’t make dessert on Fridays, as Friday is a day of penance, but my goal is that on Sundays and special feast days, I will make a bigger dessert, like cake or pie. A special dessert plus lighting candles at the dinner table will go a long way, I think, at helping to set those special days apart.

Well, that’s what I have been up to these first few weeks of 2020. Are you working toward some goals? New Year’s or otherwise? If so, I’d love to hear about them in the comments below.


Stitch Fix and the Spiritual Life

Stitch Fix and The Spiritual Life

Have you heard the story of Saint Ignatius? Being a Cradle Catholic, I had heard of him and knew some general things about some exercises having to do with him, but that was it. Recently, however, I read an article about his conversion, and it piqued my interest.

Saint Ignatius was born near the end of the 15th Century in Spain. He had grown up with the ideals of the honor of knighthood and wanted to do great deeds. As a young man, however, he was gravely wounded in a battle with the French and was bedridden for a time while he was recuperating. The only entertainment available to him at that time were some books on the lives of the saints and on the life of Christ. He spent time reading these books and also in his imagination. At times, he imagined doing knightly pursuits and gaining fame and “worldly” honor. Other times, he imagined himself doing great things for God and gaining a high degree of holiness like the saints he had been reading about.  After a time, he realized that in both instances, the time he spent in his imagination was time that was enjoyable to him.  He also realized, however, that only when he was imagining sainthood and performing great deeds in love for Christ did the peace he felt last after he had stopped imagining, whereas when he thought about gaining courtly fame, he had some degree of satisfaction while he was imagining, but once he stopped, he was left feeling dissatisfied. He realized that it was in these subtle movements within him, that God was guiding him in the way he should go and toward that path that could give him lasting satisfaction.

In some ways, I think I might be like Saint Ignatius. I have a vivid imagination and I like to imagine possibilities. It is definitely a spiritual discipline for me to be in the present moment instead of lost in the realm of ‘what if’. If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs type indicator, I’m an Intuitor. Not that using one’s imagination is bad of course, but as Saint Ignatius discovered, there are some uses for it that are better than others.

In my case, I was often spending all the time nursing my toddler on my phone and all my “imagination” apps: shopping apps for clothes, home decor, and house design. I rarely actually bought anything, but I still spent a lot of time imagining what my house could look like arranged and decorated in various ways, what I would look like in various styles of clothing, what it might be like to live in a particular house, rather than the one I was in, and so forth.

After reading about St Ignatius, I thought about my own time in my imagination. Was I left with lasting peace and satisfaction? I had to admit the answer was no. In fact, all these apps filled me with stress as I thought about the time and money needed to acquire all these things. Also, feelings of gratitude for all I had were slowly being replaced by a dissatisfaction with the more-than-enough that I already had.

I think it might be different if I had a passion for fashion or interior design, and the time spent thinking about these things was part of me using my “blue flame” — that thing that gives me energy, that feels natural to me, and is a way to give to others, but fashion and interior design isn’t.


But sometimes I need new clothes; so at times I have to spend time thinking about these things. Also, fashion isn’t completely frivolous. Like it or not, what we wear communicates a lot about us to others. Fashion can help people see and get to know who we really are and it can also hide who we are and be a barrier to connection. I don’t want my clothing to be the most memorable thing about me. I want people to be able to get to know the real me, and if I’m dressed super dumpy, over-the-top extravagantly, too richly, or too exposed, people can focus on those things instead of just getting to know me as a person. Furthermore, depending on our roles, what we wear can help people trust in our abilities or encourage them to assume we are ill-prepared to handle the job.  For many of us, simply wearing a potato sack every day might actually work against us achieving our God-given tasks in life.

I thought again about Stitch Fix, that clothing subscription that people can sign up for to have a personal stylist pick out five items and ship it to them on a predetermined schedule. I had ordered a Stitch Fix box right after the birth of my son over two years ago and loved it, but at that time, my husband and I decided it was just too expensive, so I didn’t keep up the subscription.

Now, I considered the time spent perusing clothing sites trying to figure out which styles might look good on me, and the money I had wasted buying clothes online that I thought would look good on me, only to get them home and realize they didn’t. I thought about the time and effort it took to get away to the clothing store by myself and the hours spent trying things on and figuring out what I liked, while also trying to imagine if the current purchase might go with other things I already had at home. There was some degree of pleasure in it, but also some degree of tediousness, and I often felt drained afterwards rather than satisfaction. Clothing shopping just took up too much time, and I’d rather spend that time pursuing my blue flame or doing the myriad other tasks involved in running a household than in trying to clothe myself appropriately.

So I subscribed to Stitch Fix again.


I signed up to receive a fix every three months. This allows me to get some clothes or accessories each season to replace those items in my closet that have worn out or become stained. In exchange, I deleted and unsubscribed to apps and emails that sent me clothing deals. Stitch Fix is, for me, at the same time both a splurge and a fast. It is a type of fast because I try not to think about clothing, and I don’t shop or look for clothing anymore. I don’t go on endless internet searches looking for that elusive outfit that I feel is perfectly representative of me. I don’t scroll Pinterest fashion pins trying to figure out what I like and then go on a hunt for items of that type. I don’t allow myself to buy any clothes or accessories other than what I am sent every three months by my clothing subscription unless it is clearly and undeniably a necessity. It’s a splurge because the clothing I get from Stitch Fix does cost more than I would typically spend.

I have overall been happy with the quality of the items from Stitch Fix, however. I remember the jeans I received in my first fix when I was four days postpartum. The jeans somehow fit like a glove and were the softest jeans I had ever felt. Apparently, my whole life I had been used to wearing cardboard that someone had marketed as jeans, and this was my first time trying on actual jeans. I also couldn’t figure out how my stylist, who probably lived in the San Francisco Bay area, managed to send Wisconsin-me a better-fitting pair of jeans than I myself could by going into stores and trying things on. Two years later, they are still holding up well, and yay for the elastic waist, because they still fit me, though slightly looser, even though I am two sizes smaller than I was then.

A clothing subscription has also allowed me to have a certain detachment from my clothes, perhaps not as much detachment as a potato sack would give, but a degree of detachment nonetheless. A box with five items gets sent to me without me spending any mental energy on what is in it, save for the initial questionnaire I filled out when I signed up for the service. If the items fit well and I like them enough, I buy them. For me, even if I don’t love them and even if I don’t receive the most awesome outfit I could have ever hoped for, I’ll usually buy it. I won’t purchase it if I hate it or if I just don’t know where I would wear it, or if buying the piece means I have to buy something else to go with it, but overall, if it looks fine and fits well, I usually purchase it. So in this way, I can have quality clothes that will hopefully last, but without me having to be overly solicitous about what I wear.

In the end, if I can spend more time and energy pursuing my blue flame and attending to the many other tasks I already have on my plate, while handing over my clothing conundrums to someone else whose blue flame is hopefully fashion, it’s worth the extra cash for me. Also, now that I’m not scrolling fashion and home decor apps during my son’s nursing/nap time in the afternoon, I decided to follow the example of St Ignatius, and do spiritual reading during that time instead. Like St Ignatius, I’ve discovered that when I spend that time in the afternoon attending to the state of my soul — praying the rosary or doing spiritual reading — I have a peace that stays with me throughout the rest of my day, and not looking at everything I can’t have has restored the gratitude I feel for the many blessings that I do have that are too numerous to count.

If you’d like to give Stitch Fix a try, you can use this link and you’ll receive $25 off your first order.


Reclaiming the Peaceful Quiet of Advent

Reclaiming the Peaceful Quiet of Advent

Advent is just around the corner so I thought I’d share what my Advent plans are for my family. Advent has become one of my favorite times of the year, and it has become for me a season of quiet and peaceful waiting. It wasn’t always this way, but through some careful decisions about how I’ve wanted to observe this season, I think it has become that season of joyful anticipation it is meant to be.

In this season that is typically high stress for so many people, I see more than ever the wisdom of Mother Church doing things differently. The Church says, “Right now is not the Christmas season. This is the season of Advent, which is a season of waiting and preparing. It can be hard to wait, but don’t worry; the celebration will come in its own time.” I think when we jump the gun and try to start the celebration too soon, it’s hard to fully celebrate. We may be trying to celebrate and get into the Christmas spirit, but our minds are so busy running through their mental checklists of all the things we have yet to do to get ready for Christmas: put up the decorations, bake the Christmas cookies, build the gingerbread house with the kids, see the lights, buy the gifts, wrap them all, send them out, plan the Christmas party, attend the parties, make and send the Christmas cards and on and on! Christmas Day happens which has its own kind of busyness, and then whew! Just like that it’s all over. Seems like a recipe for stress, guilt about all the things we couldn’t get to, and disappointment that things didn’t — couldn’t? — live up to all the hype.

So I’ve worked hard to reclaim Advent, which isn’t easy to do in this culture that tries to make Christmas barge in before Advent has even started. But here is what my family does, and if any of these ideas resonate with you, perhaps you can try them and see if you too can reclaim a bit of the quietness and peace of the Advent season.

I shop for Christmas all year long.

This is super important because gift getting takes a lot of time! Also, buying for everyone on the Christmas list in one or two months is financially stressful. If you haven’t done that this year, I know it’s too late, but you can definitely try this one starting in January. One year it dawned on me that I buy for the same people every year. Also, those same people have birthdays every year. So I made myself a schedule. In the schedule I listed all birthday and Christmas gifts I need to buy during the year, and I divvied it up throughout the 12 months. I have a monthly gift budget, and every month, I need to buy about four gifts.  At the beginning of every month, I refer to my list to see what gifts I need to buy this month and then I get them some time during the month. It is sooo much more budget friendly and less stressful than saving all the shopping for the last month or two of the year. I store them all in an unmarked tote in my basement (amongst other storage totes) and my kids are none the wiser about what is in this one particular tote. Come December, save a few small items, nearly all my Christmas shopping is done.

We put up Christmas decorations on December 17th at the earliest.

Christmas treeI sort of feel like if I put the tree up before Thanksgiving, in my house with four kids, one of whom is a toddler, all the beautiful decor would be quite tired looking by the time Christmas actually rolled around. Or even if I managed to keep it looking nice, I might just be tired of looking at it by then. To try to live this season as a time of waiting, however, we wait until Christmas is right around the corner to put up the decorations, and my kids know that when the tree and lights go up, it’s time to get excited because Christmas will soon be here!

We put out an Advent wreath.

Advent Wreath

Advent is a season of waiting for the Light to come, and trying to prepare our hearts for that Light. So for the evening meal, we eat by the light of the Advent wreath. I got this idea from Mary Haseltine when we tried it last year and we loved it! The first week of Advent, we light one candle, and eat our supper in near darkness. Each week, however, we light one more candle on the Advent wreath, and as we get closer to Christmas, we can see the light grow brighter and brighter. There is something about the meal enjoyed in the darkness with the candle light that makes it seem more special. It marks Advent as set apart from all other seasons.

We put up the Jesse Tree.

Our Jesse tree is a small tree, about the height of a four or five year old, and each evening before bed, we read about one part of salvation history — about how God prepared the world for the coming of His Son through the people and events that happened before Jesus’ birth. This year, I bought Unwrapping the Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp, and downloaded the free ornaments that come with it. So we’ll be reading her beautiful reflections each day and hanging one ornament.

I try to wait to celebrate Christmas until the Christmas season as much as possible.

When it comes to the celebratory events, I try to wait. We do drive around and look at Christmas lights before Christmas, mostly because I’m afraid if we wait until after Christmas, many of them won’t be lit anymore. If we are invited to a Christmas party or recital, I won’t decline. But, when possible, I save the celebrating. Last year, a local museum had guided tours through their large mansion with live performers dancing scenes from the Nutcracker with the tickets being available even after Christmas, so I bought my tickets for then, rather than going earlier. I usually make out Christmas cards during the Christmas season as well. Maybe everyone thinks I’m late, but I think I’m right on time! Things like making Gingerbread houses or other such Christmas crafts, I do with my children during the Christmas season, rather than try to fit it in before.

We celebrate the whole Christmas season.

Family at Christmas

Christmas day is just the first day of Christmas, and we aim to celebrate all 12 days. We don’t do any formal school lessons during the Christmas season; we simply relax and focus on celebrating. We watch Christmas movies; make Christmas crafts, enjoy Christmas stories, enjoy some Christmas treats, and the like. For the first time last year, rather than have the children open a mound of presents all on Christmas day, they opened one gift each day of Christmas. Last year, once all the gifts were wrapped and had arrived, I counted up the gifts from my husband and me, the gifts from grandparents, aunts and uncles, and the small gifts the children had made for each other, and each child had about 12 gifts, which seemed rather perfect. So each morning, they opened one gift.

The year before, I had tried to write down each gift in order to have the children make thank you cards later, but in the chaos of ravenous Christmas-morning gift opening, it didn’t quite happen that way. Later I found some gifts that I hadn’t written down and I asked the children who gave it to them and they didn’t have a clue. So much for gratitude when they didn’t even know who gave it! That’s sort of the nature of things, however, when we have a pile of Christmas gifts to get through. We can try to instill gratitude and make the focus of Christmas less about materialism, but I feel like we can be fighting an uphill battle by trying to do that while observing Christmas as it currently exists in our culture. As Kim John Payne says in his book (my favorite parenting book, btw) Simplicity Parenting, nothing in a pile will be appreciated. So, by opening one gift each day, I felt that the children could really savor and appreciate each gift, while also preserving the anticipation of Christmas by knowing that the next day there would be another gift to open. This year, I asked the children if they wanted to open their gifts throughout the Christmas season again, or if they wanted to go back to opening them all on Christmas day. They all were adamant that they wanted to open them throughout the season, even the six year old, who sometimes has a little more trouble waiting for things.

I think by trying to focus our attention on waiting and preparing during Advent, and then fully celebrating during the Christmas season, I enjoy Christmas so much more. When “the holiday season” was a month-long sprint trying to do it all and get it all in, with the culmination of one epic Christmas day, I feel like I almost couldn’t avoid feeling a little let down and burned out by the end of it. And trying to fully enjoy Christmas celebrations when there was so much to do meant that the celebrations themselves were really just one more thing on my to do list. Now, however, with the attitude of waiting for the Light and preparing for Christmas during Advent, and then, when all the preparations have been made and the work has been done, to allow myself to fully relax and enjoy the Christmas celebration (spread out in small doable pieces), I can really enjoy and appreciate so much more the beauty of the Christmas season.

Parenting is Supposed to be Joyful


Parenting Is Supposed to be Joyful

Although the mother’s tone was pleasant enough, every word that she spoke to her child was a directive, a correction, or a reprobation. “What color is the slide? I know you know it. No, it’s blue. I expect more from you than that!”…”I’m not going to push you on the swing unless you pump your legs. Bend them. Now straight! Bend! Straight! No, you are doing it backwards. You have to try. You are not trying enough.”…”You need to wait to climb up there until the other children are off. Get down and wait. You know better than that.” I see it all the time. I see it in parks, in stores, when I take my children to the children’s museum, and pretty much any place that families gather. I notice the commanding tone parents use and the stern look in their eyes when they speak to their kids. I observe the frequency with which they correct their children and the infractions they deem worth public correction. Often I see this happen not when the child is being truly unruly, but when they are just being curious,  when they are simply unaware of social custom, or even when they are doing nothing wrong at all.

Even though I believe whole-heartedly in peaceful parenting and treating children with the same respect and consideration that one would show an adult — or perhaps even more since a child does not have the same abilities as adults — I don’t judge such parents. I used to be one.

I sometimes shudder at the things I hear parents say to their children, but I remember  saying and doing similar things, and in my worse moments, sometimes I hear those things coming out of my own mouth still. Luckily though, even though I am by no means perfect, I’ve come a long way from where I once was. I once believed it was my primary duty to make sure my children acted perfectly polite and genteel at every moment of the day. Also high up on my list of parenting priorities was teaching my children obedience. The result of this way of thinking was that I monitored my children’s behavior like a hawk, swooping in at every hint of self-will. It was exhausting. Observing, correcting, barking orders, punishing every infraction all day every day. Toddlers, not being generally known for their polite, conciliatory natures, made this stage of parenting particularly burdensome on me. Although I loved my children fiercely, motherhood was absolutely exhausting, especially when I became a stay-at-home mom when my oldest was three and her younger sister, six months. As a new mother, it was a lot of pressure.

I also wonder about the children. What kind of pressure are they under when every action is monitored and corrected? What does it do to their psyches when it appears to them that those they love most in the world, their parents, are completely annoyed by their presence, and sometimes say as much to others within their earshot? I’m no psychologist, but it seems to me that a child in these circumstances has two choices, to become angry and rebellious at the way they are treated and act out because they are not connected and grounded to anyone, or else to become a compulsive people-pleaser, unable to truly relax into herself but always feeling that she must try harder and do more to earn the love of others.

Mateo saving Nadia

At this time of year, I also witness the memes about the parents crying tears of joy at the thought of their kids returning to school. I wonder if this mentality, this pressure, and the utter sheer exhaustion of this parenting paradigm is what fuels some of that, and the near-constant comments I hear about my lifestyle. “You homeschool? I could never be with my kids all day.” “You have four kids? I don’t know how you do it. Two was all I could handle.” I think behind their eyes I see some pity as they imagine me tearing my hair out all day from the frustration of having to deal with four of these little humans day in and day out, without break. I have my moments of course; frustrating and exhausting moments a part of parenthood. However — and this is a very important distinction — they should be moments, smaller pieces of time within the context of a much larger, joy-filled whole.

I think our culture has forgotten this. Parenting is supposed to be a joy. We are supposed to delight in our children and our children should see and know that we delight in their presence. Do parents need alone time? Absolutely. Do we need time and space to recharge and pursue our interests outside of childrearing? Of course we do. But if parenting feels like a burden the majority of the time and the hours with our children are characterized by stern words, and feelings of frustration and burnout, then something is wrong and it needs our attention. Don’t tell yourself that this is just the way parenting is. It might be the way parenting is in this culture, but it is not how it should be.

Luckily for me, I stumbled onto the notion of peaceful parenting early in my parenting journey – shortly after I became a stay-at-home mom and struggled with the exhaustion of it all. I remember one day, feeling defeated and overwhelmed, praying to Mary, the Mother of God, to help me to be the mother my children needed me to be. The very next day, my answer came, and I discovered a different parenting paradigm. This new paradigm said that a parent’s primary duty wasn’t to ensure correct behavior at all times, but to model respect. It was not to force obedience, but to nurture connection. This new paradigm held that children have as much dignity as adults and so we should not say or do anything to a child that we would not say or do to an adult whom we respected.

This was radical, but so appealing. I mean, it’s radical as far as treatment of children goes. It’s more commonly acknowledged that this is how our adult relationships should be managed. I don’t publicly correct my husband when it comes to his faults. Either I patiently bear with them, or I try to talk to him about it in private and with sensitivity to his feelings. Similarly, if I am crabby and being rude, my husband doesn’t ground me or yell at me and threaten me with punishments unless I get an attitude adjustment; he asks, “Is something bothering you?” because he knows there is something behind that behavior.

When it comes to children, it is stopping to consider their needs and feelings, and considering how to approach a situation while respecting their dignity. Maybe it means removing them from the situation if they are in danger, maybe it means taking them aside to address the issue in private or at a later time, and maybe it means not addressing it at all because who among us would want to be around someone who pointed out our every fault? It takes a long time to learn how to control one’s emotions and how to act in every situation. This is something I am still learning as an adult! So simply acknowledging that they are children and these things take time I think is often times sufficient.

My Post

Before I found peaceful parenting, my oldest had a habit of biting her nails constantly; once I started parenting differently, I noticed that she had stopped. Later on, I wrote this:

I realize now that a lot of the things that I said was for the good of my child, was really for my own convenience. I didn’t feel like playing at the park any longer; I didn’t feel like helping my daughter find a different outfit to put on that she would like better; I didn’t feel like fulfilling her requests that were inconvenient to me, so I said no. Of course, when I am with my friends I like to take as much time as I need; if I wish to change my outfit, I can do so. But small children are not able to do many tasks by themselves and they rely on our help and on our patience in taking the time they need to explore and play (which is their work). How ironic that we expect children to learn to be patient and thoughtful, but we can so often be impatient and dismissive of their wants! I must be thoughtful of my child’s wants before I can expect her to be thoughtful of my own or anyone else’s. I must be willing to change my schedule to accommodate her, before I can expect that she will stop doing what she is absorbed in to accommodate my needs. If children have equal dignity, then we should take their feelings seriously. 

Although dealing with less misbehavior was not the goal of this way of parenting, it was a beautiful side benefit. Just like me, when I feel connected and accepted by someone, I am eager to help them however I am able and I am also free to work on my faults from my own self-motivation. I’ve learned children are the same. I’m positive many misbehaviors are prevented by nurturing a strong connection with my children, and when they occur, trying to connect with them instead of punish them has reaped many benefits.

When I came across peaceful parenting, on one hand it took a lot of effort, because it meant I had to learn new ways of handling situations and I had some bad habits to break. On the other hand, however, it was very freeing. I remember being able to simply enjoy my children, to be able to see them and to try to understand them as persons, instead of always evaluating and judging each thing they did. Maybe for the first time, I could enjoy them and try to get to know them instead of always coming at them with an agenda of what I had to teach them.

In this exhilarating, difficult, amazing journey called parenthood, if we are not enjoying it, it may be that, like I was, we are so busy focusing on ‘what’ our children need to learn (and all the things it is our responsibility to teach them) rather than taking the time to enjoy ‘who’ our children are and the moments we have with them. Of course, mental health issues, like depression, could be a factor as well. Or maybe we are trying to do too much and we don’t have the parenting help and the breaks that we need. Maybe our children need help, professional or otherwise, in learning how to deal with life. Whatever it is, I’m positive that lack of joy in the journey should be our wake up call. Being exhausted, stretched, and angered or miserable all the time is not “just the way parenting is”. We’re meant to take joy in our children, to enjoy their presence, and I’m sure it is a vital need of everyone — adults and children alike — to really see and experience that the people we love delight in being with us.

My Feminine Life

Ahh, light bulbs, grocery stores, Amazon Prime, and central heating and air-conditioning. They sure are convenient. They are so convenient they make it so that the change of seasons and daily weather often have a minimal impact on our lives. Unlike our ancestors, many of us don’t have seasons of planting, growing, and harvesting, followed by a winter of rest. We likely get up at the same time in winter as we do summer; we likely eat the same kinds of foods year around. If we are the outdoorsy type, what we do for leisure might change with the seasons, but otherwise, our habits and lifestyle likely remain fairly constant. Similarly our culture is pretty bad at taking the time to notice the “seasons” of a woman’s body and live lives in respect to those seasons.

Being the type to love an engaging book along with a hip coffee shop, I’m just as bad as everyone else at respecting nature’s rhythms. In fact, my family might be even worse. Being a stay-at-home mom, with a work-at-home husband, with children that we homeschool means that we spend many days not leaving our perfectly temperature-regulated house. I mean there’s yard work to do and living in Wisconsin means in the winter we will spend some time shoveling and snow-blowing, but that’s pretty much it. Scorching heat? No problem. Thunderstorms? Not an issue. Major blizzard and schools and roads are closed? Doesn’t affect us. When it comes to the rhythms that nature gave me as a woman, however, thankfully my family is much better at respecting those rhythms. So I thought I’d share what my family does and encourage you to figure out if there is something you can do to respect your own rhythms or the rhythms of the women in your life.



Trees turn red and shed their leaves during this time, and a woman’s body, if she hasn’t conceived a new life the previous cycle, is shedding the inner lining of her uterus. Physically, this is the Menstrual season of her cycle. Relationally, this is the woman’s Reflective time. Physically she does not have as much energy at this time as at other times of her cycle. Relationally, a woman feels more withdrawn and less social. Her spirit wants to reflect and reevaluate her life and how it is going. It is also at this time that she is most likely to “shed” unhealthy ways of thinking or acting, and it’s a great time to get in touch with her spiritual purposes.

What I do to honor this time: At other times of my cycle, I try to get up at 6:30 or 7:00. In my Reflective time, I don’t set the alarm. Instead, I wake up when I wake up. I also reflect more. I try to meditate for 30 minutes every morning regardless of the season, but I notice that during the reflective time my prayer shifts. I naturally ponder what is happening in my life and discern what is mine to do. During the reflection time I often experience a certain degree of clarity. I may have several options in front of me, all being good in themselves, but I know which of those options I need to let go of and which of those I am called to pursue. My husband and I use a Fertility Awareness Based Method, so once I identify my peak day (the most likely day of ovulation) I count ahead to determine when my period will begin and I put it in my calendar and label it “Rest Week”. Then when I am making appointments, I try to avoid scheduling too many social engagements or appointments during my Reflection Time. During this time my husband takes on some of my household chores to allow me the rest I need. He also cajoles the kids into helping out more. Once our daughters begin cycling, they too will be relieved of chores during this time and their dad will honor their need for rest and reflection by doing their chores for them (as I’ll likely be cycling with them).



In an agrarian culture, although there are obviously things to do in winter, it is less busy than the planting and harvesting times. Days are shorter and people gather around the fire to hear the stories of their ancestors from the village storytellers. For a woman, after menstruation ends, most women enter their early dry days. There is not a significant amount of activity in the ovaries. They are at rest.  Relationally, this could be called a woman’s Energy time. A woman’s normal level of energy returns after menstruation ends as well as her interest in socialization.

What I do: I emerge from my theoretical red tent. I begin to put into place those things that I discerned and reflected on in my menstrual phase and I resume all my usual activities and although the storytelling might be at a table in a coffee shop rather than around a fire, I gather with my friends and share the joys and sorrows of life.



Everything is in bloom and the birds are busy building their nests and making new chicks. For a woman, this is the time of her cycle when she is fertile. Unlike men, who are fertile all the time once they go through puberty, a woman is fertile about a week each cycle. Relationally, this is her Creative Time. She is bursting with creative energy at this time. She also feels selfless and giving. She is most attracted to her husband and she’s emitting pheromones that make her particularly attractive to him.

I was reflecting one day on the fact that, barring the use of hormonal birth control or medical issues, every woman in her childbearing years has this fertile/creative time each cycle. As a Catholic, I believe that creation means something. I believe that each thing in creation is a result of a loving decision by the Creator. I was struck with the observation that not only does God give married women this fertile time, but also single women, teens, religious women, and married women who have discerned that they need to hold off on pregnancy for whatever reason. Why would God give women this gift if He intended they not use it? But then I realized that God does wish for us to use this gift. Women, by our very nature, are life givers. I firmly believe that it is the special task of every woman in her creative time to discern how God is asking her to give life. Is she called to give physical life to someone through bearing a child? Or is she being asked to give life in another way? How can she use her God-given gifts and talents to give life to another? To give another encouragement? To witness to another’s dignity? In what way is she personally and specifically called to breath life into this often bleak and broken world?

It also struck me that of course the God who lovingly designed woman and created her in His image and likeness, respects our design and needs during each season. So God waited for Mary to enter her fertile phase before He sent the Angel Gabriel to her to ask if she would be the mother of Jesus. Being only betrothed but not yet married, for Mary to be found pregnant could have resulted in her being stoned to death. She was likely filled with fear and uncertainty about what God was asking of her. I think in our own spiritual lives, just as we want to be selfless and giving with others during the Creative Time, it is easier for us to be selfless and giving with God during this time. If there is something that we suspect God may be asking of us that we have been afraid to say yes to, now is a great time to give Him our yes.

How I honor this time: Well, if my husband and I have decided we want another child, then we have sex. The rest of the time, however, we abstain during the fertile time. Despite the sacrifice this entails, the Creative Time is my favorite season of the month. I have so much energy. I feel creative and alive. This time is really a woman at her best. She feels like she can tackle anything life throws at her and she probably can. During my creative time I often wake early because I don’t need as much sleep as at other times of my cycle and it is at this time that I often do my best writing. I’m certainly capable of being creative at other times, but here creativity is easy and just pours out. Though my husband takes on some of my chores during the Reflection Time, now, no such assistance is needed. I’m like, “Why don’t you put up your feet and rest, I’m going to clean the house top to bottom, write a best-selling book, and make this three course dinner all while nursing the toddler and do it all today!” Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly, but you get the idea. The energy and creativity of this time is something I’ve really come to treasure and enjoy.

Because I’m especially geared to connect with my husband at this time, I make sure to do that. It seems like if we can’t come together physically, my husband and I tend to come together emotionally. Over the course of our 12 years together, the times when we have gotten into the best, most connected conversations have often happened when I was in my fertile time but we were abstaining. Not that we don’t connect emotionally otherwise; we often make an effort to, but it just seems that hormones and other chemicals are aligned to really facilitate connection during the Creative Time.

Also, I pray and ponder, “How am I called to give life? In what way can I give my yes?” and “Let it be done to me according to Your word.”



For many people summer is a time of socializing at the neighborhood barbecue and swimming in the community pool. After a woman’s time of fertility ends, her energy levels return to their usual level. A few days before her period begins again however, (about two weeks after the end of her Creative time) her energy falls and she again turns inward. Relationally, this is her Sensitive Time. Although at other times she feels confident and capable, during her sensitive time a woman’s spirit is more vulnerable, and she is more likely to feel overwhelmed. Others should respect her needs and not make jokes at her expense. They should be grateful for the many ways she has given the gift of herself during the other times of her cycle and recognize that now she needs to be the one cared for with gentleness. During a woman’s sensitive time, her speech is often more blunt. She will speak her truth and speak it freely! If a woman is the type that usually speaks her mind, she should probably refrain from discussing sensitive topics if tact is needed. However some women have difficulty speaking up for themselves and keep many things inside of them (like me) and so the sensitive time might be a good opportunity for those women to just say what needs to be said.

How I honor this time: When I am in my Late Infertile Phase, I continue to create and do my normal activities until my energy and mood dip down again. At the end of this phase, when I notice that I am being bothered by things that don’t typically bother me, I look at my chart and think, “Yep, I’m due to begin my period in a couple of days.” Then I announce to my husband that I’ve entered my sensitive time. He appreciates this information because he loves me and really doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so it’s helpful for him to know that I’m in need of extra gentleness and care at this time, and probably some extra cuddles too. Although our culture likes to joke about this time and use PMS as an excuse to completely disregard what a woman is thinking or feeling during her sensitive time (or really any time) I really believe that you can learn secrets to her soul that are hidden at other times.

Night and Day


Men are like the sun and women are like the moon. Men’s moods, hormones, and energy levels typically remain fairly constant day after day. Women’s hormones, energy levels, and relational needs change. Unfairly, this has often led to women being castigated as “illogical and unpredictable,” which makes as much sense to me as labeling the waxing and the waning of the moon, or the cycles of deciduous trees as unpredictable and illogical. Being cyclical doesn’t mean we can’t think logically and it obviously doesn’t mean we are without a pattern. When it comes to the moon’s cycle and the cycles of leafy trees we obviously can and do predict them. Women too have a pattern and that pattern can be understood and it is my belief that it should be respected. Although the sun often gets all the credit for life on earth, it is less well-known that without the moon there likely would not have been life on Earth either and that the moon’s absence around the Earth would mean death for us all just as assuredly as would the absence of the sun.

Women have a pattern of rest and reflection; energy, creativity, and socialization; then a return again to rest and reevaluation. I believe this pattern is good and healthy for women, and it is good and healthy for the culture in which each woman finds herself. I can’t help but wonder at the wisdom that could be gained and the gifts that could be shared if men and women were encouraged to understand and honor women’s cycles (both physical and relational) rather than suppress them. Women are a gift to the world, and the world needs us — just as we are.

Note: Much of the information on the relational cycles of women in this post was developed by Elizabeth Ministry Founder, Jeannie Hannemann. If you are interested in a resource to help your preteen or teen understand and appreciate their cycle, a great resource is “Celebrating the Passage to Womanhood” by Hannemann. 

Why Peaceful Parenting?

Peaceful Parenting

My husband and I strive to parent peacefully. I say ‘strive’ because we aren’t perfect. Sometimes we find ourselves threatening punishment over infractions, or pushing our own will over the will of our children. Nevertheless, much of the time we do live up to our ideals, and so we are grateful for our successes when we have them.

Still, some may wonder why we strive for such a path in the first place. How can children grow up to be responsible adults in a home without punishment? In a home where they are not taught to obey adults? For me, the ‘why’ of peaceful parenting is simple: because my children have dignity and so I must honor it. Furthermore, I feel it is perhaps my primary duty as their parent to teach them that they have dignity, and how else can one teach someone such a thing except by showing them?

family portrait
My family. 

Thus all of my parenting choices are guided by my desire to help my kids understand the great and irrevocable dignity that is theirs. They do not have less dignity than adults have; they have the same amount, and I want my kids to know it. I want this fact to be a part of their schema, their mental structures of how the world works. I want them to know it, not like they know the earth is round, but like they know that they are human — because they live it; they experience it; because they cannot imagine life being another way. I want it to be so much a part of their identity that they would not think of living a life contrary to this basic fact of their personhood: They matter.

My oldest is 11 now, and we began to parent peacefully when she was 3. Back then some warned that a failure to punish children and to assert one’s authority over them would result in entitled, spoiled little monsters. My children are not grown yet, so perhaps their predictions will yet come true, but I don’t think so. In the eight years that we have been striving for peace rather than control, I have observed that the more peaceful, respectful, and kind the adults are able to be, the more respectful, peaceful, and kind our children become. I have seen it often enough to be convinced that children do not learn good behavior by threats of violence or punishment, but they learn it through the good example of others and by the gentle coaching of a trusted person who can give them encouragement when they fail.

“Children who are trusted, will trust others. Children who are given all the time they need, will be free to share that time with others. Children who are given all the freedom they need, will not begrudge freedom in others.” – Sandra Dodd, Unschooler

“Power struggles can disappear when the person with power stops struggling.” – Deb Lewis, Unschooler


This post has been updated, and appeared originally on a old blog of mine called Mothering Gently.

Funny Little One Year Olds

A few weeks ago, my one-year-old son spent more time than usual with other children his own age. Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, most of Mateo’s days are spent (relatively peacefully) with his parents and his three older sisters. On this particular week, however, he spent much more (and much less peaceful) time with other one year olds.

On most Mondays throughout this past school year, Nadia (5yo) has gone to the atrium, her Montessori-based religion class called Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. While the children aged three to six are in the atrium, the parents and their other children hang out in the waiting room. Among the kids in the waiting room are three one-year-olds. Most of this year, a certain percentage of the parents’ time has been spent refereeing the one-year-olds’ fights with each other. One of them will rip another’s toy out of his or her hands and scream “Mine!” Then the other will cry. Or perhaps they will both hold a strong grip on the coveted toy, seemingly prepared to engage in a fight to the death over said toy, and so we parents intervene with a (probably pointless) exhortation that they need to share (but, you know, they’re one. So I’m not sure how great they’ll be at that for at least the next year or so). That is, more or less, how I spend my Monday afternoons.

I noticed however, that when it comes to the babies in the waiting room, Mateo is very gentle with them. I’ve found him gently rocking a baby in her infant carrier. He’ll crouch low and observe them, and, understanding in some way that they are younger, he’ll try to bring them toys to play with. The children that are older than Mateo, will typically defer to him, recognizing that he is “just a baby.” It’s with those his same age with which he duels constantly.

1yo opinion: Hanging out with sister in the car-cart that moves down aisles = meh


1yo opinion: Hanging out on a stationary lawn mower = LOTS OF FUN (and moving too far from lawn mowers = tragedy)

On this particular week, in addition to Monday’s atrium visit, I babysat a friend’s one-year-old son, William, for a morning. Mateo seemed to be okay with William for the most part, that is, until William would touch any of Mateo’s toys. Not simply sitting quietly in our home, but actually trying to explore it and play with the toys in it seemed to go against one-year-old etiquette and Mateo was obviously highly offended. He would run over, shout “Mine!” and try to rip the toy from William’s hands. As on Mondays, I played referee and would mumble the obligatory mandate on sharing.

The following day, on Friday, I made the trek to catch up with a friend who lives an hour away. It was great to catch up with her. She, however, also has a one year old. Like Mateo was the previous day, one-year-old Mariana was fine with Mateo being in her house as long as he didn’t try to play with any of the toys in it. Once he did, the “Mine” fight would ensue, with the parents refereeing. At one point in the afternoon, Mariana was happily sitting on her mother’s lap in the dining room with the rest of us while Mateo was playing quietly in the next room over. Mateo, holding a toy, came into the dining room and shouted an authoritative “HEY!” We all looked over at him, including Mariana. Mateo looked at Mariana right in the eye and said, with particular emphasis, “Mine.” That, of course, ended Mariana’s contentment and with cries and screams she tried to scramble off her mother’s lap to recover the toy that rightfully belonged to her.

All this has me wondering though, who decided that children should spend their childhoods with other kids their exact same age? I think I prefer more natural communities for myself and my children. In other places on the globe, children spend time with kids that are younger, kids that are older, adults, the elderly, the typical, and those with disabilities. In such settings they learn how to defer to those weaker or younger, be proud of their own abilities but still be inspired by those who can do more than they can.

At some point though, he’ll need to learn how to get along with kids his own age too. Until that happens, I guess I’ll keep playing referee and mumbling the obligatory statements on sharing.






Experimenting on the Five Year Old


We love games in our house and so much painless learning happens while playing them. So I recently purchased Games for Math by Peggy Kaye. I figured it’d be a fun way to learn some math concepts while spending some fun, quality time with my five year old. I didn’t expect, however, that it would lead to my 11 year old and I colluding together to experiment on five-year-old Nadia. Yep, I’m a great homeschooling parent. Math games, psychological experimentation, and a child development lesson all rolled into one engaging, fun-filled morning.

I didn’t even get to the first math game, however, because as I was perusing the introduction, something caught my eye. The author was explaining the strange view that young children have of certain mathematical concepts. She told about Julie, a girl of five or six years of age. When having two identical rows of pennies before her, Julie was asked which row held more pennies, or if they were the same. Julie said they were the same. Indeed, she was right. Each row held five pennies. When the author “stretched” out one of the rows of pennies so that there was more space between each penny, (but without adding any additional pennies to the row) Julie decided that the stretched out row held more pennies. Even when she counted and each row still held five pennies, it didn’t matter. The stretched out row had more pennies. As I read, my eyes got wider as I thought of all the fun we could have doing this same experiment on our own five year old.

I quickly and quietly summoned 11-year-old Felicia. “Read this,” I said to her, sliding the book across the table to her as if I were some sort of spy giving an agent their secret assignment. She read the section and looked up at me. No words were exchanged but she knew her mission. She quickly went upstairs to get some pennies out of her piggy bank and placed them in two rows.

“Nadia!” We yelled into the living room. “Want to play a counting game?” Felicia asked her, “Which row has more pennies; or are they the same?” Nadia looked, “They’re the same.” Felicia stretched one row out. “Are they still the same?” Sure enough, Nadia thought the stretched out row had more. Even though we had her count each row, the one row still had more pennies in her mind.

We moved on to the next experiment involving two parallel strips of paper. “Which one is longer, or are they the same?” we asked. Nadia said that they were the same. Felicia moved one strip over a little. Nadia thought the one that had moved was longer. Felicia and I were fascinated.

My Post (2)
Nadia also thinks warm weather means you wear a swimming suit. So here she is playing in the snow in a swimsuit, because that’s how we roll in Wisconsin.

The book explains that psychologists have a name for Julie’s and Nadia’s stage of mathematical thinking. They call it pre-operational and sometime between the ages of five and seven, children naturally and effortlessly move into the next stage of concrete operations. So I didn’t try to correct Nadia. I simply observed her normal (and funny) stage of development. I figure some time in the next couple of years, she’ll grow out of it on her own. In the meantime, it sure provided Felicia and me a morning’s entertainment.

Book Review: One Beautiful Dream

one beautiful dream

I know One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler, and published by Zondervan, has been getting a lot of attention and is on the best seller lists, but in case there is someone among my two blog readers who hasn’t heard about it, nor read it, here’s my shining endorsement. Yes, as James Breakwell, the man otherwise known as @XplodingUnicorn, noted, the entire first chapter is dedicated to Jennifer negotiating with her mother-in-law not to bring a live possum into her house, and I’d like to add that it just keeps getting better from there. I found One Beautiful Dream hilarious, refreshing, and inspirational.

I have always found Jennifer’s writing to be very funny and this book is no different. Years ago I used to read Jennifer’s blog in bed when I couldn’t sleep. I used to laugh so hard that I would keep waking my husband up and he disallowed me from reading her work in bed. I won’t go into all the details of my marital woes here, but let’s just say when I ordered the ebook one night before bed, I had a hard time putting it down and I may or may not have angered my husband by my repeated bursts of laughter necessitating an apology gift of a strategically placed bag of Andes mints under his pillow.

Family strife aside, I found this memoir refreshing. In a world full of mommy wars, this book gives you nothing but joyful, tear-inducing mommy solidarity. One Beautiful Dream chronicles the time in Jennifer’s life when she had six kids in eight years and wrote her first book. If that fact alone makes you want to feel like a failure at having not gotten that book deal (or whatever your particular crazy dream is) even though you have fewer kids and they’re spaced farther apart, you have no need to worry. It’s impossible to feel like you’re failing at motherhood when you read about Jen’s chronicles of having a play-date at her house with a new friend, only to have the children discover her husband’s college-era beer bong; or about the uptight babysitter who stormed off the job being so scandalized by Jennifer’s house (the state of it, the size of it, how it was run, or all of the above). As is typical for her, Jennifer is real. She is not one to sugar coat anything and if looking at all your friends insta-worthy pictures of their lives has you feeling down, this book will lift you up.

In One Beautiful Dream Jennifer makes it clear that she loves her children and loves being a mom, yet, like probably every mother alive, she struggled with the tension between wanting to be involved with and connected to her children, but also wanting to pursue dreams outside of family life. The standard way our culture deals with this tension for those who want to be stay-at-home moms, is for the mom to hit pause on her life, spend a few years at home with her children while they are young, and then for her to “get her life back” once the kids go to school. In Jennifer’s work, she shows, in her usual explosive-laughter-inducing-not-to-be-read-next-to-your-sleeping-spouse kind of way how she came to embrace another view of parenting and life, which is doing both family and dream-pursuing together and integrating them with one another.

I found the book so inspiring, however, because Jennifer goes beyond the usual “how to have it all” message. One Beautiful Dream tells how she came to realize that her dreams of having a large, close family and writing a book weren’t in competition with one another. Jennifer asks, “What if following your God-given passion is not just okay to do during the baby years, but actually something that has the potential to enhance your whole family’s life?” Having felt the tension myself between my love of writing and the demands of family life, I had scarcely written a thing since August when I had quit my last paid writing gig. Reading about Jennifer boldly and counter-culturally not choosing either a large family or pursuing her passions so inspired me, that upon finishing her book (in a mere three days) I immediately sat down to create a writing schedule for myself — one that worked with my family and their needs but still allowed me to do what I love. In fact, her approach on how she was able to integrate the different aspects of her life into one satisfying, connected, and unified whole makes her message truly unique.

Though I think parents will obviously get a lot out of this book, I think even non-parents will appreciate the humor and the message. Let’s face it, everyone has dreams, and sometimes life just seems to get in the way of those. No matter what (or who) life brings your way, I think you will enjoy several laughs while drawing refreshment and inspiration from Jennifer Fulwiler’s One Beautiful Dream.